I’ve been battling with my body lately. I’m terrified to post this, but I think it might help someone, so here we go. Let’s start from the beginning.
I’ve struggled with food + eating my entire life.
I don’t remember when I went on my first diet, but I think I was about 11. I started puberty inexplicably young (7), so I always felt “bigger” than the other kids. Lo and behold, my beliefs created my reality, and that’s what manifested.
By high school, I was “fat.” I put “fat” in quotes because that’s what they called me.
I hated being fat. I hated the way people looked at me, silently judging my biggest secret, which was plastered all over my body in plain sight. I hated the way clothes fit. I DESPISED swimsuits. I hated food. And yet I loved it. I hated photos, mid drift, belly button rings. Endless spirals of dieting and gaining weight. I hated the self judgment, the self hatred, the isolation. I hated being fat. I obsessed over how much I hated it.
On some fxcked up subliminal level though, I also loved it. It was my comfort zone. It was something to blame. It was a crutch. It was a buffer from the world. Any other hyper intuitive little starseed kids reading this, who needed a buffer from the world?
I tried lots of strategies to lose it. Anorexia. Bulimia. (Yes, I get that you don’t “try” mental illness, but for the sake of prose). I tried the “healthy” way where you watch your portions and journal all your food. I tried all kinds of diets. There was this one where I ate turkey roll-ups and cheddar cheese for breakfast?! There was juicing. I did that detox diet where you only drink this cayan pepper maple syrup-y lemon water potion that Beyonce did for like 6 weeks and lost 60lbs or something. You’d drink like 8 cups of lemon water and nothing else for the day and then in the morning you’d wake up and piss shxt? Sorry, but like, do you guys remember that?
Anyway, eventually, I lost the weight. For those wondering, it was the keto diet that finally did the trick and stuck. For a while at least. In business school, I started getting really… skinny.
It was weird, because I had never been “skinny” before. Even before I got fat I don’t think anyone would ever have referred to me as skinny. But that’s what I was. People would make comments everywhere I went. It was awesome. I loved this accomplishment. Of being… “skinny.”
And, I kind of let it get out of control. By the time I graduated from business school, got engaged, and moved to LA, I probably officially fit into the category of “too skinny.” And, after launching a company, planning a wedding, and then calling that wedding off… I was pretty squarely in that space.
Calling off my wedding was the most excruciating blessing there ever was. I’d always been obsessed with personal growth, but calling off my wedding sent my path of evolution into outer space. (This part is a longer story for another time – but basically, I had an awakening, and my entire paradigm shifted.) It became no longer acceptable to starve my body of nutrients.
Since then, I’ve been eating more and steadily gaining weight. It’s gotten to the point where literally none of my clothes fit anymore. I know I’m not fat. I think. But I tell myself I am. In my head. All the time. All of my triggers are starting to come back, and I want to say and do something now so I can change that narrative.
So, I’m declaring that 2020 will be the year that I truly heal my relationship with food. I thought I had before (and at my current level of consciousness at that time, I had). But this time, the healing is going to be at a much deeper level of consciousness.
My intention is to learn to eat to serve my Higher Self. I’m sure the growth won’t be linear, but it will continually progress. Maybe for the first time, I’ll even learn how to cook; I don’t know. But I am going to share the journey with all of you.
I’m kicking this journey off with a 3 day water fast. I know not everyone will understand this, but it’s what I’m doing and I have my own reasons for it. I’ve never done one before and I’m a little nervous, so please support me and help hold me accountable.
The more inner work you do, the humbler you get because the more you see how much more there is to learn and grow. You peel back more and more layers and expose parts of yourself that need healing that you never knew existed in the first place.
Last night I ate 8 dark chocolate peanut butter cups, and after, I stood in front of the mirror and stared at my jowls for 10 minutes. That is unacceptable. I’m not doing that shxt anymore.
Part of merging with your Higher Self is about honoring your body. Your body is the physical vessel that your eternal soul does life in, and it needs to be nourished in order for you to flourish. I’m ready to heal another layer of myself. This is a layer of healing that a year ago, ha, even a day ago, I never would have thought I’d share with all of you. But, here we are. Once I know it’s time to grow, I start quickly. (For those of you joining The Vibe Tribe, I’ll be doing this right along with you.)
Writing this helped facilitate the start of this growth process, so thank you for reading and I hope it served you. If this spoke to you in any way, let me know. I love you. Thank you.
Love,
Anna
P.S. Join me in The Vibe Tribe where you’ll learn my step-by-step methodology for raising your vibration so you can merge with your Higher Self. Become a member here!
